A recent Huffpost article discussed the worst things that can negatively impact a teenager’s happiness. What I would add to this article is what I have seen, as a psychologist, therapist, and coach with many clients who live in this fast-paced and highly competitive California Bay Area environment, as the most damaging harm that exists between parents and their children: parents pushing their teens to be perfect in order to survive.
Many immigrant families come from an educational system that is quite extreme and exceedingly harsh when compared to the educational system in the United States. For example, there are countries that have national examinations that are administered only once, and the outcome of these examinations significantly impacts a person’s eligibility to apply for top-tier schools, second-tier schools only, or attend college altogether. Many parents who were raised in such strict performance-based and grading-based systems often instill the same anxieties and beliefs into their children. This is from the belief that schools in the United States either operate under the same admissions criteria or with even more challenging admissions criteria. With nearly a decade of experience in working in higher education – with work experience combined as a graduate advisor, graduate program admissions manager, graduate program coordinator, associate field education director – and spending over a decade in higher education as a college student myself, I frequently help to alleviate parents’ concerns by explaining the substantial distinctions between the higher education systems here in the United States.
Thought patterns or Societal Influences: Here in the California Bay Area, at the heart of the silicon valley and at the ground floor of the AI boom, extreme competition and comparisons to others is often the norm. Especially for those who are working in fast-paced fields and wanting their children to get ahead in an already hyper competitive academic landscape, this often leads to anxiety and pursuit of any extra gains possible, and oftentimes that means being at the very least “perfect.” With the many layoffs we are experiencing in the tech market right now, families are feeling amplified and exponential stress and worries about their children’s futures, and some are reacting by pushing their children even harder to succeed in a market that already feels overwhelmingly competitive for a limited number of job opportunities.
Parental Approaches and Criticisms: In my practice, I often see parents lead with criticism and disappointment when their children are unable to meet their perfectionist expectations. Some criticisms are reasonable, but at other times, they are quite extreme, and often more so reacting to the broader external pressures of the current market. Parents who are anxious and afraid often react in a way that can be overly harsh or critical.
Why It’s Harmful: Parents, and people in general, often have a belief that validation also equals condoning. In my practice, I often go over the difference between the two. Many parents avoid validating their child’s efforts whenever grades fall below perfect because they fear that acknowledging effort somehow means saying, “It’s okay that you’re not meeting my expectations.” This belief may come from experiences that parents themselves had as children and often many of them also grew up in very invaliding households themselves, so they often pass on what they learned. When children are told they are not good enough, over and over, just because they are not perfect academically, they quickly learn to give up, and they learn to give up early. They start to believe that every attempt at something must be perfect throughout the entire process from start to finish, and that this path towards perfection will be met with little reward and a high risk of punishment. Over time, they learn to avoid taking risk, avoid failing, avoid difficult tasks or subjects to ultimately avoid the criticism that reinforces their poor self-image and poor self-esteem. In more extreme situations, a child may begin to feel that their inability to be perfect and to meet expectations is a burden on others, and we often see this pattern in those who end their lives out of shame for not being “good enough” or shame for disappointing their families.
How to Combat: Speaking to parents, my suggestion is to dive deep into understanding the difference between validation and condoning because you can absolutely validate without condoning. In addition, I would also suggest reframing reasonable expectations. As someone who has worked in higher education for the past eight years, having reviewed hundreds of master’s program applications, and advising over 1500 graduate students, I can assure you that grade-point-average is not everything, and I can assure you that grades are not always the fault of your child. Grades can be highly subjective and dependent on the professor or teacher your child happens to have. Having seen grading consistency and inconsistency on the system backend, I can tell you that assigning value to your child based on the randomness of who their teacher is and that teacher’s own subjectivity will end up doing far more harm than good regarding the connection your child has with you. My last suggestion is to reframe your understanding around how important you are to your children. Children and adults want to know they are loved, are safe, and are accepted. Having this is what often leads to happiness. Words of criticism and words of support have an impact. The difference is that one tends to push people further away while the other tends to bring them closer.
