In Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT), when trust is broken in a relationship through infidelity, emotional betrayal or deception, we label these as serious attachment injuries. These attachment injuries are much more than not meeting expectations or simply disappointing the other person. Rather, it is a profound shock to the nervous system, where a trauma imprints directly into the nervous system of the wounded partner. The sense of security that formed the basis for the partnership is replaced by a constant state of threat and insecurity.
Losing trust after an attachment injury
Attachment injuries are traumatic ruptures or disconnects between you and your partner that leave you with a strong sense of betrayal or abandonment. This injury causes the brain and the body of the injured partner to behave as if they are always in danger, which can lead to a constant hypervigilance and desperation for reassurance. Conversely, the unfaithful partner, often overwhelmed by shame, remorse or fear of making things worse, may become more emotionally distant, defensive or shut down.
How EFT Couples Therapy Can Help After Cheating or Betrayal
Restoring trust takes a tremendous amount of energy, vulnerability, and effort. Trust is not about forgetting, or bottling up, or simply laying down a new set of behavioral rules, rather, in EFT, real recovery is a deep emotional reconnection that heals the raw wound at the very core of the betrayal. To do this, both partners have to be willing to leave their protective survival modes (anger, defensiveness and withdrawal) and work through the suffering together as a team.
Steps on How You Can Rebuild Trust After Cheating
- Breaking the Cycle of Panic: The first result of betrayal is usually a painful cycle of outrage and withdrawal. One spouse needs reassurance, the other retreats. Once you identify and grasp the cycle, the common enemy becomes the patterns and cycles that you both got locked in, rather than you both being each other’s enemy.
- Take a step back: Each partner looks at their own involvement in the cycle and commits to work together as a team to break this negative loop.
- Be Radically Transparent and Accountable: The partner who cheated must accept complete and unadulterated accountability for their actions. This means no excuses, minimizing, or blaming. The most crucial thing in this stage is safety. The key is readiness to answer questions honestly and being transparent. The main purpose of this transparency is to restore some safety and predictability for the injured partner.
- Recognize the emotional pain: The partner on the receiving end of the cheating must have time to cry, to rage, to express fear, and to express disappointment. The unfaithful partner is there to listen, validate and be present emotionally not to defend, belittle, or diminish. The actual healing, though, happens when the person who created the suffering can look at the other and say, “I see your pain, I acknowledge what I did, and I am right here with you in it.”
- Re-establish emotional availability and responsiveness: The unfaithful partner should be ever-present, both physically and emotionally, particularly during moments when the injured partner feels triggered or anxious. Reassurance and comforting words can help their nervous system feel safe. If the injured partner repeatedly asks questions or expresses sadness and distress, this is not a lack of progress, rather it is a vital part of the brain’s healing process.
How Does Access, Responsiveness, Engagement in EFT Help Rebuild Trust?
In EFT we refer to a safe, trusting attachment with the acronym A.R.E. which measures how dependably partners can be there for each other:
- Accessibility: Are you there? Can I reach you? Can I get your attention when I need you? Will you be present and vulnerable with me, even when we’re struggling?
- Responsiveness: Do you hear me when I’m upset? Do you hear my emotional needs? Do you offer me empathy and care? Do you validate my fears and turn to me when I need you?
- Engagement: Are you all in? Are we good? Will you come towards me when I need you to? Will you engage with me? Will you give me space if I need it?
How Can Couples Help Each Other Recover After Cheating?
- Keep checking in with each other on how you’re both feeling.
- Try not getting defensive, and rather than deflecting, try focusing on the emotional injury, longing, and need for connection underneath the argument.
- Ask questions, such as: What do you really worry about? What makes you feel insecure? What do you hope for even when it feels unsafe to say it?
Seek expert help: If you’re stuck in a negative loop, negative pattern, or negative cycle that you can’t get out of on your own, that’s a sign to seek expert help, such as an EFT couples therapist.
Last Thoughts on How to Regain Trust in Relationships:
It takes a long time to regain trust after being betrayed. Both partners must meet discomfort, uncertainty, and vulnerability with tremendous courage and compassion. But when partners focus on building emotional safety, on caring for each other consistently and staying deeply engaged, they can recover from betrayal and build a much stronger, more intimate, and more secure bond than they had before.
