Couples in Dublin, San Ramon, Pleasanton, and the Tri-Valley are not necessarily short on time around each other, rather, they are missing the kind of time that builds connection. This guide builds off of a recent HuffPost feature where couples therapists shared the dates they wished their clients would go on more often. Every idea below is tailored for the Dublin, Pleasanton, and San Ramon area mixed in with the Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT) and attachment approach we use at our Dublin-based practice.
What is an EFT-Inspired Date?
In EFT, we look at repeating, common, and familiar cycles that lead to disconnect, frustration, and interpreting eachother as the enemy. Couples experiencing the dynamic of one partner who tends to push while the other tends to pull away often have difficulty with agreeing on what to do and where to go. A date that is focused on building a stronger attachment may be both necessary and the one that takes you out of your daily routine.
Things to Remember on Each Date
Sit or Walk Side-By-Side: Try sitting or walking in the same direction. This can lower the pressure and intensity, which in turn can mak conversations feel less intimidating
Protect Your Schedules: Block out a dedicated time and make that time sacred to both of you. Showing up for this agreed upon time can show how important this is to both you and your partner
Validate Each Other: Try starting some conversations off with these sentences:
Recognition of Effort and Intention
- I really like how much thought you put into…
- I saw how much you worked to make today…
- It meant a lot to me that you chose to…
- I can see how hard you are trying in our relationship especially when you…
- Thanks for taking the time out to…
Validating Their Ways of Protecting the Relationship
- I can see you were trying to keep the peace when you…
- I can understand you wanted to spare my feelings when you decided to…
- I know you went quiet because you don’t want to make things worse, and I appreciate that you care about not hurting us.
- I see how much pressure you’re under to get things right for us.
- I see how much you care about this relationship, even when it’s hard for you to find the words.
- I know how much you care about this relationship, and I can see why distance between us makes you worried.
Focusing on Connection and Shared History
- It made me smile when I think about that time we…
- I felt so close to you when we…
- You’re still the person I want to share things with first, like when…
Reassuring and Creating Safety
- You don’t have to have the perfect answer right now. I just appreciate that you’re listening.
- I’m happy we’re in this together even when we don’t agree about…
- When we are able to talk like this, I feel safe with you.
- Being here with you makes me feel so much better about…
- I don’t want us to fix this right now. I just feel good knowing you hear me.
15 Questions to Ask on Your Dates
On your date, come up with rules about not bringing up daily logistics, chores, kids, schedules, and use these attachment-focused questions to check in on each other to see what is actually happening beneath the surface of your busy lives:
- What is something you admire most about me right now?
- What is something I did recently that made you feel proud of me, which I might not know about?
- When you’re having a really stressful day, what is the most helpful way for me to show up for you?
- Is there a part of your life right now where you feel lonely or like you’re carrying the weight entirely on your own?
- What is a small thing I do that instantly makes you feel safe, valued, and seen by me?
- When we get into disagreements and I pull away or get quiet, what do you wish you could tell me in that exact moment?
- When we get into disagreements and I get more upset or louder, what do you wish you could tell me in that exact moment?
- What is a dream or goal you have of yourself right now that you’ve been hesitant to share with me?
- What is a memory of us from when we first dated that still makes you smile?
- How stressed or overwhelmed do you think I am when I am at work or away from you, and what do you think I need most in those moments?
- If you could ask me to hold a space for one difficult feeling you’re carrying right now, what would that be?
- What is one way we’ve grown closer as a couple over the last year that you’re grateful for?
- Is there a way I can make you feel more appreciated for the things you do for our home and family?
- When do you feel the most physically and emotionally connected to me?
- What is a small habit of ours that you want to make sure we never lose?
Where to Go for Dates in the Tri-Valley
Use these local Tri-Valley spots as a low-pressure environment to step out of your comfort zone and ask the questions above.
Places to Go for Dates in Dublin
- Emerald Glen Park During Thursday Night Farmer’s Market: Grab food from stalls, find a spot on the grass to sit, listen to live music, and use the atmosphere to ask a few questions.
- Fallon Sports Park: Bring a deck of cards, a lawn game, some racquets for a low-stakes, playful activity to break the ice before diving into deeper conversations.
- A New Dublin Restaurant: Pick a restaurant that neither of you have been to before. Keep a strict rule while at the restaurant, where talking about kids, schedules, and logistics are off the table.
Places to Go for Dates in Pleasanton
- Latenight Coffee Shop: Stop by Qamaria for a late night coffee and talk. If you’re into pistachio lattes, this shop closes at 12AM from Sunday through Thursday and at 1AM on Fridays and Saturdays.
- Shadow Cliffs Lake: Rent a kayak or paddleboat to spend time on the water together.
- Downtown Pleasanton Walk: Grab some ice cream, pastries, coffee, tea, and stroll down main street while taking turns answering nostalgia-based questions
Places to Go for Dates in San Ramon
- City Center Bishop Ranch: Grab some coffee, milk tea, or a drink and sit by the outdoor firepits and focus on each other without any digital distractions. Some people may enjoy walking and exploring what’s to offer at different buildings in the area, including the Lakeside Coffee Bar.
- Bollinger Canyon Scenic Drive: Put your phones on silent or Do Not Disturb and take a slow, winding drive through the hills while playing a nostalgic playlist and talking.
- Canyon Lakes Golf Course: Stop by to enjoy the sunset on the patio at Canyon Lakes Golf Course that overlooks the hills of San Ramon Valley.
When Date Nights Are Not Enough
If date nights turn into the same negative patterns and same old arguments, then that in itself can be useful information. This often means that the negative cycle between you and your partner runs too deep and too intensely even for well-intended date nights.
Consider reaching out to us for couples therapy if you experience the following, especially if you live in Dublin, San Ramon, Pleasanton, Livermore, or Castro Valley:
- You keep falling back into the same fights and arguments
- One of you feels constantly criticized while the other feels completely shut out
- You both stopped talking about anything deeper than the surface level of logistics and planning
- Trust has been severely damaged and you don’t know how to repair it
Whether you live in the Tri-Valley area or somewhere throughout California, a couples therapist in Dublin can help you map your cycle, regain the trust, and rebuild the secure connection between partners.
