Couples Therapy Didn’t Work: When the Gottman Method wasn’t the best fit and what to try next

If you and your partner tried couples therapy and couples therapy didn’t work, you are not alone. Did you often leave the therapy session feeling much more disconnected from your partner or that the worksheets and exercises never really worked to change things? Over the years, I hear from couples who tell me that previous couple therapists focus on conflict resolution, but the fights have actually gotten worse over time. Many couples reported walking away from previous couples therapy sessions thinking, ‘We did all the exercises, but our fights feel just as painful, or even worse.’ 

For some couples, focusing on conflict resolution might be helpful, but for others who experience a much deeper sense of fear, from possibly losing their partner, conflict resolution skills are just not going to be enough. If your previous couples sessions focused mostly on communication skills without addressing deep emotional attachment wounds and injuries, then the issue might not be you or your partner, it might be the method. 

 There are several modalities in couples therapy, and arguably, the two most common being the Gottman Method and EFT. Although the Gottman Method does well in identifying toxic communication, such as criticism or contempt, one of the limitations of the Gottman Method is the focus on ‘fixing’ conflicts, which can feel a bit too cognitive, and a bit too above the surface. For some couples, they are looking for a therapist who can see them and their vulnerabilities, and to explore deep, underneath the surface level feelings, including fear of rejection, fear of abandonment, intense loneliness, deep shame, deep rejection, and the longing to connect with their partner. If your couples therapist prioritized solutions and repair attempts over deeper emotional and attachment exploration and processing, and you both didn’t find it helpful in rebuilding a stronger connection between you and your partner, then Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT) might be the answer you are searching for.

A trained EFT therapist can help you both relearn yourself and your partner. The EFT framework focuses on the deep, underneath the surface level vulnerable emotions that often get ignored or unexplored by other couples therapy modalities. What if the problem isn’t you or your partner, rather it is this recurring pattern or cycle that often gets in between the both of you?  EFT takes a much different approach than other modalities because, instead of just managing fights, it helps couples understand the hidden attachment fears that drive their behaviors and motivations. For example, does one partner shut down while the other gets very anxious during arguments? Does one partner feel they keep trying to get the other to engage while the other feels engaging is too difficult so they shut down instead? An EFT trained therapist can address these very raw and vulnerable emotions that most traditional therapy approaches miss. 

This is all a long-winded way to say that you don’t have to give up on couples therapy, you might just need a different approach. For couples who are interested in EFT, I highly recommend a book written by the founder of EFT, Hold Me Tight by Dr. Susan (Sue) Johnson. This book guides readers through exercises used in EFT sessions, which can help you and your partner better understand what causes disconnect and how to change this cycle. For the opportunity of a more immersive experience, couples could consider reading the book together! Research also shows that 70 to 75% of couples in EFT move from distressed to recovery with improvements that last. And why is this? It’s because EFT doesn’t just focus on fighting better or turning to a page to fill out a worksheet, it helps you and your partner finally break the negative patterns and cycles of blame and withdrawal that has caused so much distress in the relationship. EFT is focused on creating a secure attachment and secure bond between partners. Instead of analyzing conflicts, you’ll learn to lean into them and to see them from a perspective of vulnerability that you may have never experienced before. 

Ready to try a new approach with EFT? I am an EFT trained therapist who can help! Remember, your relationship might not be broken, it might just need a deeper and different kind of healing.