By Dr. Timothy Nguyen, Psy.D., Licensed Psychologist, Licensed Therapist, ICEEFT-trained EFT Couples Therapist in Dublin, CA
Couples fight. Couples argue. Sometimes it’s over the dishes, over bills, over children, and other times about money, family, or who’s not listening. But beneath the surface of those everyday arguments lies something far more accurate, powerful, vulnerable, and tender. Beneath the surface is the mutual longing to feel close, valued, and safe with the person you love most. Even if you both go about it in different ways.
we’ll explore what’s actually happening when partners argue, how Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT) helps uncover the deeper need and wanting beneath the surface, and how working with someone like me, a trained EFT couples therapist in Dublin, CA, can help you rebuild connection and trust with your partner.
Let’s cut to the chase. The real reason couples fight is about disconnection. It’s not about the topic. Beneath the anger, the silence, the yelling, or the defensiveness, each partner may be hurt and wondering, “Am I important to you,” “Do I matter to you,” “Will you be there for me?”
Why Is This Beneath the Fight?
A skilled couples therapist in Dublin , marriage counselor, or relationship counselor using EFT will view conflict not as failure, but as communication shaped by our early environments — most often the households of our childhood.
On one hand, children who experienced abandonment, isolation, or emotional aloneness frequently learned to attack, yell, or scream as a protest against a parent or caregiver’s distance. This protest became a vital survival strategy: any response, whether positive or negative, from a parent, caregiver, or other essential provider of food, shelter, and safety felt better than silence or invisibility.
On the other hand, children who are shamed, criticized, judged, belittled, verbally abused, or screamed at for expressing needs often withdrew, shut down, or minimized engagement to preserve peace. For them, they learned that less interaction equaled less conflict, less stress, and less risk, and so they withdrew or disengaged to keep the needed parent or caregiver content enough to sustain basics like food and shelter. This child learned that engagement meant more danger, more opportunities to fail or falter, more chances of getting it wrong and getting attacked, and so they mastered surviving alone, handling overwhelming emotions by themselves.
When these two children grow up and fall in love with each other, we tend to see what the late Dr. Susan Johnson, founder of EFT, calls it “the biggest show in town.” When the underlying and unspoken fears of each partner meet with the other, couples get caught in a pattern where one person pursues and the other person withdraws. The louder one partner gets, the quieter the other becomes. Both feel unseen. This “negative cycle” is what EFT therapists help couples recognize and reshape. The ultimate goal of EFT, is to create a secure base for each other, a corrective experience, that either one or both partners never had as children.
And so you might naturally wonder: how effective is EFT? Explore
over 100 outcome studies, process analyses, meta-analyses, and predictors documenting its proven rigor. A landmark meta-analysis reveals an effect size surpassing all other couple therapies, with 70-73% of couples moving from distress to recovery and gains that endure long after therapy ends. This unparalleled evidence crowns EFT as the gold standard in couples therapy. Even pioneers like John and Julie Gottman, who created the Gottman Method for couples therapy, recognize EFT’s foundational and gigantic role in the couples therapy space.
Why Fights Feel So Big for Couples in Dublin and Beyond
Life in California, specifically in the Bay Area, Silicon Valley, East Bay, and Tri-Valley areas, can be especially difficult for couples with demanding careers, commutes, and family, leaving little time and room for emotional connection and attunement.
In my experience working with couples residing in the Dublin, Livermore, Castro Valley, Danville, San Ramon, Pleasanton, Hayward, Tracy, Walnut Creek, and Alamo areas, many search for “couples therapy near me”, “marriage counseling near me”, or “relationship counseling near me” often not because of one big betrayal, but because of many, many small moments of disconnection over the years that have quietly piled up into significant resentment, distance, and hurt.
Danville Couple’s Therapy Session
For instance, I once worked with a couple from Danville who often argued about video games. The wife felt frustrated that her husband spent so much time playing online with his friends, while he felt like she was always “nagging” him and didn’t appreciate how much pressure he was under at work. This disagreement quickly became a pattern, where she would bring up her concerns, he would shut down, and both of them ended up feeling misunderstood and disconnected from each other. However, in our couples therapy sessions when we explored their deeper emotions through the EFT framework, something very important came to light. For her, seeing him spend time gaming instead of with her triggered long-standing and deep-seated feelings of being unimportant and abandoned. These were the same feelings she experienced in her childhood. When those fears surfaced, she felt an urgent, anxious need to reach for him, even if it came out as anger, blame, or criticism. Beneath her protest was a vulnerable need and genuine longing for more closeness and reassurance. For him, those emotional outbursts brought up his own painful experiences of being criticized and never feeling “good enough” when he was growing up in his childhood. Because of that, even when he wanted to stay engaged, he felt overwhelmed and retreated emotionally to protect himself. Video games became a way to escape the stress of his demanding new C-suite role and the fear of more conflict at home. What looked like disinterest or avoidance on the outside was actually his attempt to cope with anxiety and shame on the inside. And what looked like nagging on her part was really her way of fighting to feel connected. Once we identified this pattern and reframed this negative cycle, where the fights were not really about the games, rather it was the deeper emotional experience for each partner, they began to reconnect with compassion and understanding rather than blame and withdraw.
Pleasanton Couple’s Therapy Session
Another example comes from a man I worked with in individual therapy. His husband had encouraged him to seek help for anxiety and depression that seemed connected to the stress of transitioning into a career as a commercial airline pilot. As we continued our sessions, it became clear that his emotional struggles were not only about the demands of the job. Much of his distress came from the fears that accompanied becoming a first-time father and partner while working in such a high-risk field.
Underneath his anxiety was a deep worry about what would happen to his family if something ever happened to him. Out of that fear, he started creating emotional distance at home. He told himself that if he kept some space, it might protect his husband and child from being hurt too deeply should the worst occur. What he didn’t realize was that this distance was leaving all of them feeling more alone and disconnected.
Through therapy, he began to understand this pattern and found the courage to share his feelings openly with his husband. When his husband saw how much work he was doing and the tenderness behind his worry, he decided to join a few sessions. Together, we explored how attachment patterns shape relationships, using the EFT framework. We also spent time learning about how anxiety can show up through behaviors that hide deeper emotions. As they began to communicate more honestly, both partners discovered that their tension came not from a lack of love, but from fears and misunderstandings about how to protect one another. Their shared care had always been there; it simply needed new ways to be expressed and understood.
How Emotionally Focused Therapy Heals These Patterns
As a licensed psychologist and couples therapist in Dublin, I guide local couples through in-person sessions and offer virtual support statewide across California. A skilled EFT clinician helps partners listen, understand, and move beyond surface arguments to the more vulnerable emotions underneath the surface in a safe and secure way. EFT focuses on uncovering hidden fears and needs, not just fixing conflicts or deciding who’s right or wrong.
Here’s the typical EFT process in step-by-step fashion:
- Map Your Negative Cycle: You and your therapist pinpoint your repeated “fight pattern”—who pursues (often with criticism) and who withdraws (often with silence), plus the emotions fueling it. You can be provided with a customized graph to keep track of what happens to each other in the negative cycle.
- Uncover Deeper Feelings: Anger usually hides sadness or hurt, while withdrawal often masks fear or the sense of being overwhelmed. We connect these to childhood roots when it helps. Examples from my clinical work over the years with Bay Area professionals include tech layoff arguments in Silicon Valley that reveal abandonment fears and job worries; housing fights in the very pricey San Francisco Bay Area that conceal fears of never owning a home tied to immigrant family struggles; commute stress and long hours of traveling on 680 and 580 from Dublin or Pleasanton affecting families with children, signaling deep loneliness from absent parents in childhood; and academic and parental disagreements in Danville or San Ramon’s ultra competitive school systems that stem from cultural success pressures plus past burnout. Couples therapy in Dublin or individual therapy in Dublin, CA with our Balance Hour practice can help process these hidden emotions.
- Express Needs Safely: Once you identify those hidden fears, you learn to voice your true needs, such as craving reassurance, physical closeness, or emotional safety. You share them in soft, yet more direct, vulnerable ways that invite connection and avoid triggering defense in your partner. For example, instead of saying “You never help around the house!” which sounds like blame, you might say, “I’m feeling overwhelmed and would love your support tonight. It would mean a lot to me.” Your partner practices responding with curiosity, such as “I hear you’re stressed. What can I do right now?” instead of shutting down. This approach slows the negative cycle and builds a more secure understanding and connection between you two.
- Rebuild Trust: Small, repeated moments of empathy and responsiveness can create emotional safety over time. You begin turning toward each other during stress and reaching out instead of pulling and pushing away. This gradually weakens the power and control of old argument triggers. In my experience, when Dublin, San Ramon, Castro Valley, Danville, Livermore, Pleasanton couples get to this stage, they often notice conflicts become much shorter and much less intense. Fights transform from threats and instead into opportunities to reaffirm your bond and recalibrate your anxiety. This then creates and fosters a secure attachment where you both know you can handle this together, as a team.
When couples reconnect emotionally, arguments lose their intensity. They turn into opportunities to truly understand each other and create the healing experiences missing from childhood.
When to Seek a Couples Therapist in Dublin, CA
It is not uncommon for couples to wait for a crisis before reaching out. However, you don’t have to wait for a crisis. Whether you’re looking for couples counseling, marriage therapy, relationship counseling, or couple therapy, it’s best to look for early signs of trouble:
- Conversations turn silent or defensive.
- You feel lonely despite being together.
- Small issues spark big reactions.
- You avoid talking about tough topics.
- You avoid each other.
- Intimacy feels routine, forced, or completely absent.
- Resentment has built over parenting or household duties
Rediscovering and relearning your partner, and often yourself, through relationship counseling in the Bay Area with an EFT Couples Therapist in Dublin specialist who can help you break free from negative cycles and rebuild true connection. Clients frequently report parenting with more patience, manage work stress more effectively, and feel greater inner peace. EFT can help create secure bonds where conflicts guide you back to closeness, making your love stronger and more resilient.
Frequently Asked Questions
Can One Partner Start Therapy Alone First?
Absolutely! Individual therapy for anxiety, depression, and stress at our Dublin office location often works even if your partner isn’t ready to join. By exploring your own role in the relationship cycle, you can soften conflicts and invite positive changes. Many partners eventually come in after seeing these shifts firsthand.
What Happens in a First Couples Therapy Session in Dublin?
In your first couples therapy session, the Couples Therapist in Dublin creates a safe space for both of you to share your story. You’ll start mapping your negative cycle, where we look at what happens during typical arguments and the emotions underneath for each partner. No blame gets assigned. Instead, the focus stays on building trust so honest and deep conversations can eventually take place.
How Long Does EFT Usually Take?
Most couples see meaningful shifts within 8–20 sessions of EFT. Deeper patterns might need more time, sometimes up to 20 sessions. Unlike short-term fixes, couples counseling and couples marriage counseling with EFT aims for lasting change by rewiring how you both connect to each other emotionally.
Do We Need a Crisis to Start Counseling?
No crisis required! Early relationship counseling in the Bay Area helps couples strengthen bonds during calm times too, like after a new baby, career change, or just to prevent the drift of disconnection. Early marriage counseling can prevent small disconnects from growing into bigger rifts, keeping your love resilient.
Is EFT Effective for Long-Term Marriages?
Yes, at Balance Hour, couples therapists in Dublin and use EFT to help long-married pairs rediscover each other. EFT addresses built-up resentment or faded intimacy by rebuilding emotional safety. EFT-specific studies show high success rates, even after decades together.
What If We’re Considering Separation?
Separation counseling through EFT can clarify your needs before deciding. It uncovers if disconnection comes from fixable cycles or deeper issues. Many couples reconnect deeply, while others gain peace with clear next steps.
If these stories feel familiar, know that you’re not alone. Those arguments that seem like unbreakable walls can turn into doorways to deeper connection, with the right guidance, empathy, and space to pause and breathe.
Finding the best compassionate couples therapist in Dublin can guide you and your partner back to each other. This happens not by changing who you are, but by revealing the love that’s always existed, simply waiting for emotional safety to shine through again.
Author Bio: Dr. Timothy Nguyen, Psy.D. is a licensed psychologist and therapist in California with a doctorate in clinical psychology from California Southern University and a master’s in social welfare from the University of California, Los Angeles (UCLA). He has over a decade of combined clinical experience in forensic, academic, and health clinic settings, and has completed ICEEFT’s official Emotionally Focused Couples Therapy (EFCT) externship and core skills training. He also brings non-clinical experience from tech, security, retail, automotive, and service industries, helping him understand a wide range of client backgrounds. He identifies as an Asian-American, Vietnamese-American male with he, him, his pronouns. For more details on background and credentials, visit the about page.
Disclaimer: This is educational content, not therapy. Consult a professional for personalized advice. All client stories or examples shared in this blog have been carefully anonymized to uphold complete confidentiality. Names, locations, and identifying details have been altered, and experiences have been combined or fictionalized to further protect privacy. These examples are provided solely for educational and reflective purposes to illustrate common emotional patterns and therapeutic insights. Any resemblance to actual persons or situations is purely coincidental, and the confidentiality and dignity of all clients remain fully protected.
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