Have you and your partner been considering couples therapy, or have you and your partner seen multiple therapists only to find yourselves stuck in the same patterns of fighting, feeling unheard, and feeling unseen by each other? You’re not alone! Finding the right couples therapist can feel like an incredibly exhausting process, especially when you’re already dealing with so much relationship stress. It can be easy to lose hope in what seems to be a never-ending search for some resolution; but maybe you might be missing one key piece of the puzzle you have not yet considered: how your and your partner’s childhood experiences are shaping your current relationship dynamics. 

As a couples therapist specializing in Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT) here in California, I have seen many couples transform their relationships by relearning their partners and by understanding themselves in the process of exploring and processing deep-rooted beliefs, experiences, patterns, and attachment. Let’s take a look at how EFT can help both you and your partner break free from destructive cycles and to build a stronger and more connected relationship!

Childhood Experiences and Attachment

Imagine this scenario: Monique and Bobby have been together for years, and they both love each other very much; however, lately, their arguments have been much more frequent and intense. Monique often feels Bobby isn’t there for her emotionally, while Bobby feels like he’s overwhelmed by Monique’s demands and what he perceives as her need to resolve their conflicts immediately. Does this sound familiar?

What they don’t realize is that their current relationship struggles are deeply influenced by their childhood experiences. Let’s take a closer look at each person’s story. 

Monique’s Story:

Growing up, Monique’s father was preoccupied with work while her mother was emotionally unavailable. Monique feels closest emotionally to her father, but he is often tired from long hours of work and so she does not get too many opportunities to spend time with him. She learns that the only emotionally available person is her father, who is inaccessible most of the time, and so she has to be more vocal about her needs to be seen and heard. This may translate into a more anxious attachment style, where she anxiously and constantly seeks reassurance and connection in her adult relationships. 

Bobby’s Story:

Bobby’s parents were both emotionally distant and discouraged the expression of feelings. Bobby learned early through his parents that he needs to be self-reliant, in control of his emotions, and to avoid being too dependent on them for help. In times of overwhelming distress and sadness, he manages his distress on his own. This may lead to an avoidant attachment style, where he tends to withdraw when faced with intense emotions. 

These childhood experiences have set the stage for what is known as the common pursuer-withdrawer dynamic in their relationship. Monique pursues Bobby for emotional connection while Bobby withdraws to protect himself from what feels like overwhelming demands and criticisms. As Monique pursues for validation and desperate attempts of connection, Bobby withdraws to keep the peace and to try in his own way to keep the connection as close as he can, by disengaging from this fight and by avoiding the risk of saying the wrong thing to make things worse. Does any of this sound familiar at all by now? If so, great! If not, there are other dynamics and patterns, as well!

The Power of EFT in Breaking the Negative Cycle

This is where Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT) comes in. EFT is an evidence-based approach that helps couples understand and change these deeply ingrained patterns of attachment. In fact, research shows that 70-75% of couples move from feeling distressed to recovery using the EFT method, and approximately 90% show significant improvements in their relationships (Johnson, S.M., 2019). 

So what can be expected in couples therapy using EFT? Let’s take another dive into this!

1. Identifying the Dance: EFT helps couples identify and recognize their dance, otherwise known as the negative cycle of interacting with one another. For Monique and Bobby, this means understanding how Monique’s pursuit and Bobby’s withdrawal feed into a vicious cycle of interaction that leaves both people feeling disconnected from each other. 
2. Exploring underlying primary emotions: We dive deep underneath the surface to access the primary emotions driving each person’s behaviors. Monique might realize that beneath her pursuit is a fear of abandonment, fear of rejection, fear of isolation, and fear of being unloved, while Bobby might realize that underneath his withdrawal may be fears of not being good enough, fear of rejection, a sense of shame, hopelessness, and inadequacy. 
3. Reshaping interactions: With this new understanding of each partner’s vulnerable primary emotions, couples learn to express their needs and respond to each other in more validating and supportive ways. Monique might learn to express her need for connection without criticism and blaming, while Bobby might learn to stay engaged even when he feels overwhelmed. 
4. Creating secure attachment: The ultimate goal of EFT is to create a secure attachment between partners. This means building a relationship where both partners feel safe, understood, validated, and emotionally connected to the other. 

Common Misconceptions

With each new couple I see, I always ask them if they have ever been in couples therapy before, and if they say they have, I always ask what did and didn’t work. Over the years, I gathered quite a bit of information that I want to share with you to help you with your search. 

Misconception 1: Couples therapy is about learning communication skills

Reality: While communication skills are important, EFT goes deeper by addressing the emotional bonds and attachment needs that drive the interactions and motivations. 

Misconception 2: The therapist will take sides

Reality: In EFT, the common enemy is the negative cycle, and not each other! We will work together to combat the negative cycle that keeps you stuck in the current patterns and loops. It’s about relearning your partner, being validated, and asking for support when needed. This is not about taking sides! 

Misconception 3: It’s too late for couples therapy

Reality: EFT has been successful even with couples on the brink of divorce and splitting up. It is never too late to create positive change. As long as you both are willing to try and make this relationship work, there is still hope and a chance. 

Frequently Asked Questions

1. Is EFT effective for all types of relationship issues?

Answer: EFT is effective for couples experiencing emotional disconnect, conflict, or distress, but it may not be suitable for relationships with ongoing affairs or ongoing abuse. It is also not suitable when one or both partners are not willing to engage in the process. 

2. Can EFT help if we’ve tried other therapists without success?

Answer: Yes, of course! Many couples find success with EFT after other therapists have tried. Due to its focus on emotional connection and underlying attachment needs, EFT addresses underlying issues that other approaches either miss or do not process as effectively. 

3. How long does EFT typically take to see results?

Answer: The duration of EFT varies depending on the couple’s specific needs and goals, but on average, significant improvements can be seen within 8-20 sessions. 

Contact Us!

Your relationship is a journey, and like any other journey, it can have its ups and downs. The patterns and needs we bring from our childhood experiences can create challenges, but they don’t have to define your future together with the person you love. EFT offers a path to improved or newfound understanding of these patterns and can help to create lasting, positive change. I have worked with couples using EFT and it has transformed their relationships, helping them build much stronger and more secure connections. If you live in California and you are in search of a couples therapist, please contact me, and we can together write the next chapter of your relationship story together. 

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